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Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS
pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. (By the way Qantas is
the only major airline that has never had an accident.)
(P: stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S: stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order!!
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the
pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
A jumbo jet is just making its final approach to London Heathrow.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final
descent into London Heathrow. I want to thank you for flying with us today
and I hope you enjoy your stay here in London".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well,
skipper, we have a layover... whatcha gonna do in London?"
Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a
big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out
for dinner. Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and
make love to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down
the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so
embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the
intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and
down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear.
He's gotta take a crap first!"
(1997 - 1998) "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to save the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told the bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner, Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the
kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear.
The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst
through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an
ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the
several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the
motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline
with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered
patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and
consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to
stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away
and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked
the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the
husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been
happily listening to his Walkman.
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits!
A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. Truth be
told, he
is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked
under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her
and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten.
I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you
wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which
he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan...numba 69"
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he queries.........
"You want... Beef wif Broccori."?